After the baby was born I started developing the following weird symptoms: muscles twitches all over my body, weird stabbing pains in my thighs, sweating profusely (my feet started to feel like squishy frog feet), hair loss, frequent bm's, strange sudden sensations of weakness all over my body. I thought I had some bizaare cancer and was afraid of the truth OR sounding like a hypochondriac. It was my first panic attack that drove me to mention it to the doctor.

My husband and I went out to dinner for our anniversary. All of a sudden my heartrate took off, my stomach got sick and by the time I freaked out enough to run out to the car, I was hyperventilating. I had this strange "surreal" feeling, a combination of heightened awareness, being separate from everything and numbness. When we got home where my mother was babysitting our three daughters, she told me not to worry it was just a panic attack and most people have them at least once. From that day forward, my heart took off like a race horse nearly every day. Each morning I awoke feeling like I had 20 cups of coffee intravenously. Feelings of anxiety became commonplace. After a couple of weeks, I had an appt. with my OB/GYN. One look at me and one shake of my sweaty hand and he began to ask me how I'd been feeling lately. After I told him, and I was very embarrassed about the anxiety problems, he reassured me that it wasn't my mental health going...it was my thyroid. A blood test confirmed it...my TSH was undetectable.

With no Endo's in the area, I went to a young, inexperienced Internist...simply to get a quick appt. He gave me a terribly high dose of a beta blocker. It brought my resting pulse down from 128 to below 60 and I felt ready to die. Depressed, haunted even. The doctor covering for him said not to take it if I felt like that, so I plunged into the hyper-ness which I had gradually been accustomed to over the months since the baby's birth. It was then that the hyperness hit full force. I ended up in the Emergency Room on Labor Day on a heart monitor. The ER doctor said I should have been on the drug gradually and this wouldn't have happened. I developed an intense fear of beta blockers and would not take them, much to my own pain. I chose to go to a different doctor the next day.

Since I would not use any betablockers, he put me on PTU, 50 mg 2X/day. It was too conservative a dosage and one month later there was little or no improvement in my blood levels of free T3, T4 and free T4. He upped it to 3X a day. Meanwhile, my sanity was being sorely tested by the anxiety and heart palpitations. My thoughts raced, my head was spinning. I began to fear that I would be left agrorophobic, the anxiety was that terrible. I was put on Xanax to control that. I began to see a pattern in the heart racing...I suppose from natural hormonal cycles within my body. Dawn, dusk and bedtime it would strike. Once the heart would start I would get this heat and "racing surge" in my thighs. Like my legs were energizing. I call it the Red Shoe Syndrome. Insomnia was a problem, as well.

Finally in late November, the doctor convinced me that I must give the beta blockers another try for my heart's sake. I did and am I ever thankful. It truly helped the pulse, the palpitations and the anxiety diminished until it is not even a problem anymore. I had to go through withdrawal from the Xanax which was NOT pleasant. I have been able to start taking my life back in small bites. I did consult with an Endo a couple of hours away and he is coordinating efforts with my doctor to see that I get better. He thought my PTU dosage was rather low, but since blood levels have improved decided keep it this way. Personally, I wonder if too low a dosage has prolonged my suffering, but...

My husband has been very supportive MOST of time. This has been a very scary experience for him. He's lost both parents and it shook him up. He was angry at the illness, in denial part of the time, then resigned to it, now accepting. My three year old had some potty problems during the worst of it. My eight year became a big help around the house. I was a basket case for most of the baby's infancy and really regret what I missed...it's just a blur. Now's a fun time and I'm making up for what I lost. My mother helped immensely, as did my sister who lives nearby. My church was wonderful. I discovered I have a lot of truly caring friends!

UPDATE  December 1998.

I've been in remission for over one year now!

During my course of treatment on PTU, I had some ups and downs with proper dosage, but about 8 months into it, I started going hypo on 3 PTUs a day. Let me mention that I did not run to the doctor and immediately tell him I was sluggish! It felt like a vacation to me and I was loving every minute of sleeping in, not thinking too quickly, reacting calmly... too calmly! When I went for my next bloodwork, my TSH was very high and my T4 was very, very low. Of course, he nagged me about not "trading one disease for another." He was right -- I was reduced to 2 PTUs... but that was too little, too quickly. I ended up taking this "fun to remember each day" alternate dosage for one month. After that, I was able to go down to 2 PTUs a day....and I went hypo again. At this point, late August 1997, my doctor said, "Let's go for it and take you off antithyroid meds the 1st week of September." This was one year from when I started the drugs.

I was afraid because I was about to go through some major stress in my life... my husband was being transferred and we were moving 1000 miles away from friends and family. Our house had not sold (and didn't sell for months afterward). We were moving to a completely different climate. (Cold - and the though of cold felt very, VERY good).

My first blood test one month after stopping meds was terrific. It was my last for a while, because I had to move the end of October. I did not have blood work again until six months after my move. The doctor decided I was in need of a whole workup - thyroid uptake and scan along with the bloodwork. The results: everything was so healthy, one would never have known anything was ever wrong with me! The doctor instructed me not to worry about regular bloodwork unless I was feeling symptomatic.

Since that time, I have *not* felt symptomatic at all. The stress I went through was very, very stressful... and still no relapse into Graves. I've stopped waking up every morning wondering if I was going to feel normal, something I thought I'd do for the rest of my life.

One thing is certain... I will never take for granted "feeling normal" ever again. I never knew that was something that I could lose, and now that I do, I want to continually thank God for it. I believe that experiencing this has left me much more compassionate and understanding of others whose mental state of being is affected by illness.

Thanks and hugs to all who helped me through my illness. I hope that I can be as helpful to others. :-)

Glynis